100 Deep Questions to Ask Your Partner

Deep questions to ask your partner can focus on their worries, values, preferred support, and plans for your relationship. Start with something specific, such as “What has been taking up most of your energy lately?” or “What would you like us to make more time for?” Choose a few questions you both want to answer, and leave room to listen.

Below are 100 original conversation starters, from playful choices to conversations about money and commitment. There is also an explanation of the well-known 36 questions study, with a link to that separate exercise. Use the questions to hear each other’s answers; there is no score or pass mark.

How to start without making it feel like an interview

Pick a time when neither person is rushing. Ask whether they want a light conversation or a more personal one, and offer your own answer too. Being someone’s partner does not entitle you to every private memory or an immediate response.

Try this invitation:

I would like to hear more about how things have been for you. Want to choose a couple of questions together? We can skip anything or stop whenever we want.

Choose one section below. Let an answer lead somewhere before moving to the next question. If a topic needs a practical decision, agree to give it proper time instead of squeezing it into a casual bedtime chat.

100 questions for couples, arranged by topic

The questions below were written for this article; they are not a tested questionnaire or a reproduction of Aron’s 36 questions. Choose a category that fits the conversation you want to have. You can stop after one question.

Questions to get to know your partner better

Ask about what they enjoy, find difficult, or want to change now, even if you know their childhood stories. These work for a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse or partner of any gender.

1. Which part of your week feels most like your own?
2. What interest would you like me to understand better?
3. What have you changed your mind about recently?
4. Which everyday responsibility takes more effort than people realise?
5. What kind of praise feels meaningful to you?
6. When do you prefer company, and when do you prefer solitude?
7. What assumption do people make about you that misses something important?
8. Which family habit have you chosen to keep or leave behind?
9. What would you enjoy learning without needing to be good at it?
10. What has surprised you about yourself this year?

Questions about feelings and support

Ask for guidance rather than guessing what support should look like. Leave room for the answer to depend on the situation.

11. What has been taking up most of your energy lately?
12. How would you like me to check in on a difficult day?
13. What kind of help feels useful rather than intrusive?
14. How can you tell when you need a break?
15. What do you wish you had more permission to say no to?
16. Is there a worry you want company with, without advice?
17. What helps you feel understood when words are hard to find?
18. Which task could I take off your plate this week?
19. What is something you are handling better than you used to?
20. How can I celebrate your progress without putting pressure on you?

Romantic questions to ask your partner at night

Keep these gentle if either of you is tired. A quiet conversation does not need a dramatic confession or a promise about forever.

21. What ordinary moment with us would you like to repeat?
22. What kind of affection would feel welcome tonight?
23. Which small gesture from me have you appreciated recently?
24. What would make our next evening together feel special?
25. How do you like to be approached when you want closeness?
26. What part of dating each other would you like to bring back?
27. Is there a compliment you wish I expressed more often?
28. What makes shared time feel unhurried to you?
29. What would you like us to make more time for?
30. What is a simple way we could say goodnight more thoughtfully?

Fun couple questions for a lighter conversation

Try these when you both feel like being playful. Ask why they chose an answer if you are curious, without using it to label their personality.

31. What completely impractical hobby would you try for a weekend?
32. Which fictional place would you like us to visit together?
33. What snack deserves its own celebration in our home?
34. What would our most ridiculous shared business sell?
35. Which skill would you happily let me teach you?
36. What would be your first rule for a no-plans Saturday?
37. Which song would make an unexpectedly good soundtrack to our errands?
38. What tiny luxury would improve a very ordinary day?
39. If we swapped chores, which would surprise each of us most?
40. What silly tradition should we invent for ourselves?

This or that questions for couples

After a choice, ask what appeals to them about it. “Both,” “neither” and “it depends” are welcome answers.

41. A planned date or a spontaneous outing?
42. Cooking together or trying a new café?
43. A quiet walk or a lively group evening?
44. A practical gift or a handwritten note?
45. A familiar holiday spot or somewhere completely new?
46. Talking during a task or sitting down just to talk?
47. A slow morning together or an evening adventure?
48. A shared hobby or separate hobbies you tell each other about?
49. Planning the details together or taking turns organising?
50. A small everyday surprise or one carefully planned celebration?

Questions to ask your girlfriend or boyfriend over text

Send one question at a time and make room for a later reply. If an answer becomes sensitive or confusing, offer to continue by phone or in person.

51. What was the most satisfying part of today?
52. What would you like me to ask about when we next talk?
53. Is there something small you are looking forward to tomorrow?
54. What photo from your day would you send me, and why?
55. What kind of message feels supportive during a busy week?
56. Would you enjoy a voice note, a call or quiet company later?
57. What should we put on our next shared playlist?
58. What do you want to save for a proper conversation?
59. Is there a plan I can help make easier from here?
60. What would make our next reunion feel comfortable and fun?

Questions to ask before getting into a relationship

Ask directly about expectations instead of assuming that attraction means agreement. You can recognise a difference without arguing someone into your preference.

61. What kind of relationship are you looking for right now?
62. What does exclusivity mean to you in practice?
63. How much time together would feel realistic at this stage?
64. What privacy boundaries matter to you online and offline?
65. How do you prefer to discuss sexual boundaries and health?
66. What commitments already shape your time and decisions?
67. Which relationship expectations would you want to clarify early?
68. What role do family, culture or faith play in your choices?
69. Are there future plans you would not want a partner to assume?
70. How would you want us to say that something is not working?

Questions about your relationship and disagreements

Use these when you both agree to talk. If either of you feels too upset to listen, arrange another time rather than using the list to press for answers.

71. When have we worked well as a team recently?
72. Is there a recurring misunderstanding we could describe more clearly?
73. What do I do during disagreements that makes it harder to continue?
74. What would a useful pause in an argument look like to you?
75. How should we agree when to return to an unfinished conversation?
76. What makes an apology feel complete to you?
77. Is there an agreement we need to revisit rather than keep resenting?
78. How can we raise a concern without making it about someone’s character?
79. What would help us divide the invisible planning work more fairly?
80. Which small change could each of us try this week?

For a broader check-in, explore our guide to signs of a healthy relationship and ways to practise them.

Questions about money and a shared future

Treat these as the beginning of a discussion, not an instant agreement. Ask what each answer would mean in ordinary life.

81. What does having enough money mean to you?
82. Which spending decisions should be shared decisions?
83. How would you like us to handle different incomes or resources?
84. What financial information would we need before sharing a home?
85. Where would you like flexibility in our future plans?
86. How do you feel about having children, or remaining child-free?
87. What responsibilities toward relatives should we discuss openly?
88. What would make a home feel like it belongs to both of us?
89. How would you want us to approach a major career change?
90. Which future decision needs more information before we make promises?

Questions for couples who have been together a long time

Ask whether their preferences have changed since you last talked about them. Leave room for a different answer about affection, routines, or future plans.

91. What part of your life has changed that I may not have noticed?
92. Which routine still suits us, and which feels outdated?
93. What personal goal would you like more room for?
94. How have your preferences for affection changed?
95. What do you miss doing simply because you enjoy it?
96. Which shared responsibility would you like us to redistribute?
97. What should we stop assuming about each other’s availability?
98. Where would you like more independence and more togetherness?
99. What have we learned to handle well that deserves acknowledgment?
100. What would you like the next chapter of our relationship to include?

What the 36 questions study actually found

Aron, Melinat, Aron, Vallone and Bator’s 1997 paper in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin described a structured closeness exercise. Pairs completed increasingly personal disclosure and relationship-building tasks over 45 minutes. In the first study, participants reported greater closeness afterward than those doing comparable small-talk tasks (original paper).

That result concerns closeness after an interaction. It does not establish that the questions make any two people fall in love, prove compatibility, or repair an existing relationship. The paper’s experimental setting also differs from trying selected questions with a long-term partner.

Where to find the original 36 questions

The University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good in Action provides the 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness exercise, including its three progressively more personal sets and turn-taking instructions. Use that source if you want to follow the published exercise rather than choose from our original list above.

How to respond when your partner opens up

In diary studies of college students’ social interactions, Laurenceau, Feldman Barrett and Pietromonaco found associations between disclosure, perceived responsiveness, and intimacy. In Study 2, emotional disclosure predicted intimacy more strongly than factual disclosure (1998, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, study). The data were correlational, so they cannot establish cause and effect. The authors also noted uncertainty about applying the findings to older adults in lasting relationships. This study did not test the questions in this article.

After your partner answers, say what you think they meant and let them correct you before you suggest a solution. You could say:

It sounds like you want more quiet time together, without having to organise it. Have I understood? Would you like me to listen, offer ideas, or make a plan with you?

Adjust the wording to their actual answer. If you agree to do something, make the commitment specific enough to follow through. Our guide to building trust through everyday relationship habits explores that next step.

Frequently asked questions

Bottom line

Choose a question you actually want to hear answered, listen without rushing, and share something of yourself. Make room for boundaries and changing answers. If an answer brings up a shared decision, agree on when to discuss it again or what each of you will do next.